When I got married I got married for all of the right reasons. I got married to be a devoted wife and a loving spouse. I got married to grow old with my soulmate and live happily ever after. I got married for forever no questions asked or 2nd options. After almost 3 short years my marriage came to an end. Not by my request but his.
I could come up with a million excuses why it didn’t work and why our marriage failed, but in the end it just didn’t work anymore. I wanted this crazy insane once in a lifetime love and all I was receiving were second rate goodbye kisses and I love you’s only when I said them first. I wanted passionate fiery love that you see in movies and he was no longer emotionally there to give me that and hadn’t been for a while.
The passion faded away. The tears began to grow more common. We slept with our backs to each other every night. I could feel the eruption of the end coming and I gave all I had to post pone the inevitable. As much as I knew he wasn’t in our marriage anymore I still felt like I could fix it. I still felt like I could make this sudden change and make all right on our world again, but I couldn’t. And deep down I knew I couldn’t.
So the night he told me he no longer loved me and our marriage was over I was emotionally devastated. You can never truly prepare for something so devastating. I had moments where I would just start crying and couldn’t make it stop. I have never felt my heart so low in my chest. I got to a point where I couldn’t even lie and say I was ok anymore. It was over and I knew from the look in his eyes that there was no saving us this time.
So I began to pack. Not just my belongings but my emotions. I hid my tears when he was around I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me broken. I tucked my sadness from everyone who didn’t know me and know what was really going on inside because I didn’t want the sympathy vote. I started packing up my life of who I was before him and who I had became with him. I started separating myself from being an us to a me again. Soon enough I started being ok again.
I started to grow in myself again. I began to grow in my faith again. I started to realize that I was so much stronger than I ever imagined I could be. Rather than having this life that was missing something I had this new life that was full of everything that I needed.
So I don’t hate him. I have no ill words to speak about him. He just changed…we both did. When I looked at him I no longer saw the man I married so many months ago and was deeply in love with. I just saw a person who I was trying to hold onto for reasons I couldn’t justify anymore.
So for the girls and maybe even the guys out there that have relationships that have come to a devastating end. Maybe it isn’t a marriage, maybe it’s a relationship with a heavy emotional investment. It truly will be ok. As many times as people told me that in the beginning and as many times as I never believed it I whole heartedly promise that it will be ok.
It won’t be today or probably not even tomorrow, but it will be eventually. There will be a day when someone asks you how you are doing for the 100th time and you will tell them you are ok and you actually will be. It will be the day that you find an old picture of the two of you and you don’t feel the twinge in your heart because you know that those two people in that picture don’t exist anymore. It will be the day that some other person says something sweet and you find your real smile again. It will be the day that you can look at your ex and be ok with not being with them because you finally know and accept that they aren’t who you are supposed to be with.
The one thing that got me through all of it was my faith in God. I know not everyone is spiritual or in tune with their faith and I completely understand that, but I needed something more to believe in when I felt like I had nothing left and that was the lord for me. One morning on my 45 minute drive to work a song came on the radio. This was about a week after he had told me he wanted a divorce and I had pretty much been laying at rock bottom. When I flipped the radio station over to the next channel the first and only line I caught of the song was, “your worlds not falling apart, it’s falling into place.” I proceeded to listen to the rest of the song and it pretty much became my saving grace through the whole process. I needed to realize and accept that my life wasn’t over it wasn’t coming to an end it was just changing into what it should be.
I truly believe that there is a plan for all of us. God has written a story for each of us and we were put on this earth to live it. I know that my ex and I were together for a reason, it wasn’t the forever happily ever after reason I thought, but for a reason nonetheless. I think God was using that relationship and the strength I gained from the end of it to condition and shape me into the person I am meant to become and to help me walk down the path of the life that I am meant to live.
So to sum it all up, there will be a day where you are ok. It maybe a slow progressive change or a sudden realization but it will happen nonetheless. Always remember that your life isn’t over because they left you or it didn’t work out you just have something so much better in store ahead of you. Use the strength you find in yourself and in the support around you to find that something new, because when the journey is over and you look back all of what you went through will have been worth it.